


I Need You To Know

by Copper_Viper



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, emotional abuse (implied), heavily emotional, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-10-22 00:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10686105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Copper_Viper/pseuds/Copper_Viper
Summary: I'm going to try and tag the best I can with this, but if there's anything that's not tagged you want tagged, shoot me a note over at dr-evn-hnsn on tumblr, or leave a comment here and I'll add it.





	I Need You To Know

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try and tag the best I can with this, but if there's anything that's not tagged you want tagged, shoot me a note over at dr-evn-hnsn on tumblr, or leave a comment here and I'll add it.

“I’m disappointed.”

            Not even five minutes after being discharged from the hospital, and those were the first words his dad chose to say.

            “What, that I’m somehow not dead? That I haven’t fulfilled your greatest dream of the past few years?” It came out harsher than he had expected, and he flinched back, fearing the repercussions.

            Larry merely sighed, finally putting the car into drive. They left the parking lot, Larry looking many times like he was going to say something, but always failing.

            Twenty minutes had passed before Larry took Connor’s surprise by saying, “That you attempted in the first place.” There was no follow-up to that, and so Connor turned to watch the world pass outside the car.

            It seemed wrong, to be able to experience the day. It wasn’t the best of days, by any means; he kept picking little things wrong with it – the starts of autumn, the evidence of things beginning to shut down for winter.

            How he wished he could have finished through with his shutting down. But he was not a tree; trees usually lived through the winter. He was a person, he had wanted out, and he had been denied that opportunity.

            He wasn’t sure what had come over in him in that moment, but he whipped his head towards Larry, spitting out, “Maybe if you actually gave a fuck, I wouldn’t have attempted in the first place. Maybe if you didn’t give a fuck, I’d be dead.”

            Larry stumbled and struggled for words. The accusation thrown at him was partially true, but his son to blatantly say that he didn’t care? Perhaps it wasn’t the best decision, but he pulled over to the side of the road. Put the car in park. Turned towards Connor. Whose breathing was slowly increasing in pace.

            He didn’t yell, he only spoke in a calm manner, and yet he could see Connor was starting to panic. “I do care. If me pushing you to do things is me not caring, if me trying to help you along in life without having to reply on others is not caring, then I’d love to know why.”

            Connor hadn’t expected any sort of reply to what he had said, so it was not his turn to come up blank for a response. He did instead what he did best – turning his head away, over-thinking the situation, desperately trying to show how not broken he was. It wouldn’t work; this entire car ride from the hospital had proven that. SO why was he being so resistant to trying to make amends?

            _This isn’t a situation for making amends. Sometimes people are just fucked up, Dad, stop trying to fucking fix everything._

            Nothing was said when Larry turned the key, put the car into drive, and went back onto the road.

            Connor was half-hoping a car would come speeding and crash into the car, but any such luck was not to be had. They pulled into the driveway crash-free.

            “You’re mom is glad you’re still here.” Was all that Larry had said before unlocking the car, Connor stumbling out to look at a house that had felt less welcoming than it had before. Was there a time it had felt welcoming to him? Maybe. That time had long since passed; he felt like someone who was simply squatting until the homeowners took notice and kicked him out.

            Regardless, he walked up the path, trying to avoid more conversation with his father.

            He had expected his mother to greet him when he opened the door, but instead it was Zoe, looking more inconvenienced than anything her brother had been cheated from death.

            “You look _so_ thrilled to see me.”  
            “I’m only here cause mom said I had to be. And you’re here, so bye.” She sped upstairs, the sound of a door shutting reaching Connor seconds later.

            A little over a week ago he would snapped, stormed off after her, but he felt… nothing. Most of his anger, hatred, and rage had dissipated when he had attempted, when he thought he’d be dead. The hollowness he had noticed in his chest only seemed to grow, occasionally sparked to life by his ever-present dislike of his father.

            He shook his head, trying to clear himself of his thoughts, before starting to head towards the stairs.

            The front door was opened behind him; his father must have finally decided to come into the house.

            An excited voice saying, “Connor!” and arms wrapping tight around him proved otherwise.

            He hated being hugged at the best of times, and this was the aftermath of the worst of times. He tensed up, and for once his mother noticed, letting go.

            “Are you okay? Did I hurt-“ she gestured vaguely towards his arms, “you?”

            Of course. Because of the number of scores upon his arms, he was suddenly some delicate flower; something that needed constant watching and handling from a distance.

            His no was curt, but his mother still smiled and replied with, “I’m so glad to have you back.”

            Connor blinked twice, thinking to say something, but keeping silent.


End file.
